Now, to explain my journal. It's been something I've been thinking about for the past day or two. Is this meant to be an excuse journal? No, not at all. Just a place to pour out my thoughts and to be honest with all those who watch me and as a way of confessing my shortcomings. Also, to help serve as a reminder whenever I see this journal and hopefully be one way of keeping me from repeating habits and hurting everyone around me.
So, as the title says, 2014, while it had some awesome things for me, it was mostly a year of neglect and a year of 'all about me' syndrome. This is going to be a long journal I imagine, so please bear with me as I explain everything.
Let's start at the beginning, or as near to the beginning as I can remember:
The earliest I can remember of when my communication among friends began to fail was March of last year. I know it was lacking before then, but it feels like it really started to shatter around when I started my school. My school lasts 3 months roughly each semester. As this was my first semester of college, and being out of studying for a while, I was rather tense and uncertain if I could handle more then one class at a time. So kind of nervous and wanting to do really well, my mind made up the excuse that I needed to focus on school and really nothing else. Do art and talk or whatever when I had the time. So that's how the whole three months went. I did very little, to no art. Talked to like no one and usually just played a game. When break time came, I did some art to unwind and talked a little to some friends, but not a whole lot.
This pattern continued for the rest of the year really. Though, with each month, I grew more comfortable with my studies, had more 'time', but my communication became extinct. I kept on rationalizing my lack of talking to my friends more and more. Justifying it by always saying, "oh, i'll talk to them tomorrow." Or, "oh, they have other friends, they won't miss me too much." or "During break I'll talk to them a lot." Or, "Oh, we really don't talk anymore." I think you see the pattern/get the point. Nearly each day these were pretty much the same thoughts. Plus, being distracted by a game and spending time with my boyfriend who lives several states away from me. So my my priorities shifted from keeping in touch with my friends, to just doing school, studying, playing a game, and spending time with my BF. I spent as much time with my BF as I could as he worked a lot and we had very little time together. Esp since he lives so far away.
I'm not using these as excuses for my behavior. Yes, I should focus on doing well in school, on spending time with my BF. But neither of them need my attention 24/7. I need to make time for my friends too. My school grades will do fine, my BF will still be there after I'm done talking to my friends.
This is where my neglect and the 'year of me' comes from. I horribly neglected my friends. I created every excuse I could. It's not the first time I've done something like this either, which is to my great shame. I always find a way to rationalize not talking to my friends. In my heart I want to, but my mind is lazy and VERY selfish. I've been selfish all my life and something I've always struggled with. I realize it's very selfish of me and immature of me to forget my friends. To push them off time and time again.
So to my friends, I deeply apologize. I've been awful toward you, and then some. I'm not much of a friend by saying you're not worth talking to, am I? And it's pretty much, when boiled down, what this journal, and my mind is saying. Which is opposite of what I feel. So, again, I apologize.
I hope this year I can grow up and value my friends more. To realize that I can still talk to them, spend time with my bf, and do school. I don't have to choose one over the other...
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this long message. I normally don't do things like this. But I felt this needed to be said/brought to the open.